Walls of Conclusion

I do my best to cozy down into a 'normal' life situation. Ya know, with love and cookies, and consistent bedtimes. Date nights and planning. Steady jobs with paychecks and insurance and stuff. Walking paths that have been well treaded. That's what we do here you know.

The walls of conclusion start small, building so slowly I hardly notice until one day I look up and I can't see over the top anymore. This freaks me out a little. But on paper it all looks so perfect, so I continue on.

Steady as she goes.

Cutting off every ounce of awareness to my internal knowing. Sinking ever further into unidentified despair until finally I forcefully shake free, forever changing the shaken. And find myself right back where I started once again. All heart achey and worn. Seriously wondering if I possess the strength to do this.  Feigning resistance to the lure provided by safety of the familiar, the payment for which is always backwards traveling.

This mission before me just won't seem to go away. Who signed me up for this evolutionary path anyways? Was it me? Why do I destroy everything in my life for the sake of it? Maybe that which I destroy is not actually real. Just appearing, oh so convincingly solid.

No matter how many times I turn it away, it returns in the night to knock on my door. I don't want to hear what it has to say but, out of the shear lateness of hour and weariness of my soul,I listen this time.

"Come with me", it says. "I know it's dark out and you're scared, but trust me. When the light of day dawns you will see clearly and understand. The sun will shine more brilliantly than you have ever known. And for your courage, you will be rewarded with great joys and treasures and loves."

The resignation to manipulate my trapezoid self into the square shape of normal is fading fast. It has been a long and exhausting road. I fall into the arms of this midnight caller and cry. Unidentifiable as either tears of sorrow or joy or relief.  Makes no difference really. The gift I am given in this moment is an unequivocal understanding that this is my only option. And that everything will be different. But incredible.

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Note to Myself this Morning....

....at some point you will have to wean yourself from the pack. Wish the cares of others well.

If you really want to do something for those you love, want to leave a lasting legacy for the world,

you will need to climb higher and reach deeper within....

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Are You Ready?

~ What if I actually knew in every moment what was best for me?

~ What if I’ve been discrediting this quiet knowing, secretly brushing it under the rug, because sometimes it’s urging me to do things that appear uncomfortable or scary?

~ What if I just trusted this knowing, throwing all planning to the stars? Would my life unfold more magnificently than I could have ever calculated?

~ What if I leaned into discomfort and fear, instead of shying away from it? What are the possibilities?

~ What if I started today, following moment by moment my inner knowing?

~ What if every heartache and disappointment was a gift and invitation to rise up and be more of me?

~ What if it’s time for me to finally receive the life the life that I’ve always dreamed of?

~ What if right now, it’s time for me to once and for all, realize how beautiful & valuable I truly am?

~ What if by not realizing this, I would be doing a great disservice to the world?

~ What if the kingdom is my birthright?

~ What if each and every one of these questions applies to you too?

Are you tired of waiting for your life to happen? 

Join me. If you dare. 

Anything is possible. 

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On Learning to do Better

I walk down the street.

There is a hole in it. 

I fall in. 

It isn't my fault. 

It takes a very long time to get out. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is still a deep hole. 

I pretend not to see it. 

I fall in. 

I pretend it's still not my fault. 

It takes a long time to get out. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is still the same deep hole. 

I see it. 

I fall in anyway. 

It's a habit. 

I get out quicker this time. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole. 

I see it. 

I walk around it. 

I don't fall in. 

I walk down a different street. 

~ Portia Nelson 

Today is the day, I walk down a different Street. 

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The Un-Creation of Plans

Plan, plan, plan.... this is what we spend our lives doing. But the truth of the matter is that the only thing we can count on is the present. The world could be flip flop wonky tomorrow, and all the days, hours, minutes spent planning are precious moments wasted.

This is something we all know in theory, but never is it so glaringly obvious as when we find ourselves in the situation, yet again, of our higher selves having different plans for us than the ones we had been so painstakingly creating. Don't be too hard on yourself though. We do the best we can with our limited knowledged, earth dwelling selves.

We just have to somehow understand, that there might actually be something greater which requires tending to, than anything we could scheme up with our little hair brains.

So this is the consciously unbeknownst-to-me destination, I've recently arrived at myself.
A great majority of what I had spent the last year of my life planning, suddenly ceased to exist a little over 24 hours ago.

I now sit here finding myself romantic relationship-less. Not a new scenario in the least, but unsettling none-the-less, as I am and have always been, someone who pours themselves completely into their love life. In the past I have found the loss of this outlet for my love, to be excruciatingly painful. A pain that I would have previously eased with food, booze, or more men.

But this time is different.
I've come so far. I've grown incredibly. Much too much progress has been made to go backwards now.

Once you've had a glimpse of your purpose on this planet, and have experienced the utterly indescribable sense of knowing and bliss... there's no way you can make yourself forget for too long.

So this time, instead of the bedfellows I've historically turned to in times of pain.... I'm going to sit on this couch and feel every last feeling that surfaces.

No matter how ugly they may be or how much they may hurt, I will wait for them to arrive. I will accept them and give them the attention they've been crying out for. I will then shine the light of my soul onto every ounce of pain, anger, fear, or judgement I've ever harbored, transmuting each and every one of them into love.

I will do this until the day comes that I, myself, am pure love and light. Only then will I be equipped for my life's work. Only then, dare I be bold enough to attempt to change the world.

What is that going to look like exactly? Good fucking question.

Guess I'll just trust that once the inner work is done, the answer will be presented to me. One thing I know for sure, is that I refuse to spend even one precious moment worrying about it.

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